Silly Signage; Ludicrous Labels (updated)

Every morning on my way into work I walk past a Patisserie Valerie, which has a board outside.

Early Riser - Coffee and croissant £3 if ordered before 11 am.

In what bizarre world is ordering a coffee and a croissant before 11am an indication of being an early riser? By 9.30 I've been at work for an hour and at 10.30 I'm thinking about lunch, and I only get out of bed at 7am, so hardly think of myself as an early rise. Maybe there are a lot of people travelling down from Aberdeen who appreciate the recognition of their early start, but the naming of this offer just makes me lose respect for whoever came up with the idea.*

Last night, making some polenta for dinner, I read the bag (Merchant Gourmet brand) which warned of volcanic explosions. I find such descriptions slightly over the top. Whilst I acknowledge that the polenta can splatter a bit, I didn't instantly fear that I would be trapped in a pyroclastic flow over the induction hob, only for my wife to unearth me only minutes later entombed in a golden crispy crumb.

However, both of these incidents pale in comparison to a trip to my local pub yesterday, when I read their drinks menu. Now, as a warning I am a member of CAMRA and enjoy drinking beer, generally of the top-fermenting varieties, though I do drink lager if something sufficiently interesting is on offer. Needless to say, reading the slightly overblown descriptions of the Eurofizz on offer left my spluttering over my real ale.

Exhibit 1: A dense white, honey blond beer. It has a slightly spicy, citric aromatic taste with malty hoppy tones. The main component to the beer is a fruity zesty flavour with a hint of honey and a soft lingering, dry finish.

Exhibit 2:  A medium bodied, flavourful and crisp beer with blended layers of premium American and European hop aromas, brewed for the perfect balance of flavour and refreshment and Beechwood aged for balance and character.

Exhibit 3: The unmistakeable colour, the one-of-a-kind taste, the unparalled flavour of relaxation.

The offenders in order are Stella Artois, Budweiser and Corona, three of the blandest beers out there. Interestingly (or ironically), Budweiser, is beechwood 'aged', but only after the beechwood has been boiled with sodium bicarbonate to remove any flavour being imparted into the beer.


*Some people consider this to be overreacting, I consider it to be maintaining standards.